Dear Wally Returns

Have a question for Wally? Email and you’ll get a response either online or in the printed AffNo. All responses will remain anonymous, of course.


Dear Wally,

I waste all my time on

Facebook instead of doing homework. It is really hurting my grades, but, on the bright side, I read a news article that social networking can help establish relationships that are good for business networking in the future! What should I do?!


Your Un-Focused Facebook Friend


Un-Focused Facebook Friend,

Are you really that’s

intrigued by pictures of your second cousin’s new puppies on Facebook? Personally, that is practically the only thing I see on my Facebook feed! The only “networking” worthy things on there anymore are my dad’s office Facebook page and the 800+ pages I decided to like in 7th grade (if you also thought liking a ton of pages like “I hate doing homework” and “Stages of a Relationship 😉 🙂 :/” in middle school then you understand the pain I feel scrolling through Facebook).

If you’re really looking for some networking skills, I’d advise making a LinkedIn page. On there you can connect with really important people like Mr. Cleminshaw and Mr. Gillespie!

If you aren’t satisfied

by the networking opportunities on LinkedIn, and you’re still get distracted by the 1,000 pictures of the Monster Truck your uncle is trying to sell when you log on to simply like Entrepreneurship and Bolton House’s Facebook pages, then you need some real intervention. I recommend you delete the bookmark from your computer and the app off your phone. Then download a program called Cold Turkey from In the longrun, you’ll be much happier with yourself for achieving good grades than you will for getting that 100th like on your profile picture.

If you still need MORE help, I hear there is a FAA (Facebook Addicts Association) meeting in S-7 during the next activities block!

Kick the habit!



Dear Wally,

Last Friday, I was walking to Gender Empowerment Movement Club, when one of my friends stopped me in the hall to tell me how excited she was that

Chris Christie was finally losing enough weight to run for president. I wasn’t sure if she was joking or not, but then she told me she was on her way to Young Republicans to tell everyone else the good news… I am really confused because I was under the impression that Hawken was a completely liberal school! I tried to diss my friend and tell her that I am 100% on team Monica Lewinsky’s Ex-boyfriend’s Wife for President, but then more people just joined the conversation! Every single one said they love Jeb Bush and Paul Ryan (especially his dreamy eyes;)! I had to hide in the bathroom the rest of activities block reading MSNBC and Huffington post to regain my sanity.

So, Wally, my question for you (and the rest of the school) is: YOUNG DEMOCRATS WHERE YOU AT?!?!?!?!

Confusedly yours,

A Distraught Donkey


Dearest Distraught Donkey,

Personally, I am convinced the Modern Whig Party

will finally make a comeback to claim the White House next year! If you and your friends are looking for a party to compromise on, these guys have great centrist ideologies. If you’re unable to compromise, like most Democrats and Republicans, then your friendship might be SOL.

If you want some statistics to make you feel better about the school, I think you should look at the school election results from the 2012. Or, just trust me when I inform you that President Obama won by a HUGE margin. Sadly though, like typical democrats, no one has ever effectively organized a Young Democrats club. Plenty have stormed into Young Republicans club to voice their opinions in the past, but they have failed to unite themselves.

Luckily for you, the influence of Democrats here at Hawken seems very prevalent in a recent AffNo article about the Young Republicans club.

I think the best way for you to regain your peace of mind is to start a Young Democrats club! You should probably hold your first meeting in the auditorium. If all the Birkinstock wearing, tree hugging liberals this school has to offere actually come out and support that will be the only location with enough to fit you all!

Good luck in your liberal endeavors!



Dear Wally,

My dad always wants to call friends’ parents when I go over their houses and its super embarrassing. How can I get him to stop?


A Fraught Friend


Dear Fraught Friend,

I’m in the same boat as you, my dad has done this since… forever. As embarrassing as it is, our dads are just trying to make sure we’re safe. If you really can’t stand this, it won’t hurt to talk to him about it. Doing this may prove your maturity to him and he may no longer feel the need speak to your friends’ parents. Try not to stress out about it too much though, your dad is really just looking out for you.

No need to worry.