Dear Wally

Dear Wally,

It’s cold outside, but I don’t want to dress warmly due to fear of looking like the Michelin Man. How do I reconcile keeping up my fashionable style while not succumbing to frostbite?


Freezing Fashionista

Dear Freezing Fashionista,

I can sympathize. I only have four toes on my left foot due to the winter when flip-flops were ‘in’. I still like to rock some open toed shoes to show off my battle wound.

A good solution would be to style some weather-appropriate clothing to your liking. Cumbersome and ugly snow pants can be transformed with bejeweling and some sequins. Add a nice heel to your snow boots. Take advantage of the ‘peplum’ trend by adding some extra puffy fabric around your waist.

You don’t have to sacrifice your phalanges for fashion- a lesson I learned a little too late. A little creativity can go a long way.

Good luck, and stay warm!


 AffNo Logo Hawk


Dear Wally,

I recently, and tragically, got a B on a test. How do I prevent myself from dropping out of high school, not going to college, and dying?

Thank you,

Somebody with No Future

Dear Somebody with No Future,

Get a grip. You sound very neurotic.



Dear Wally,

I tend to get pretty thirsty throughout the school day. However, I always forget my water bottle at home, and I have a phobia of water fountains. To combat my thirst, I have been eating the snow surrounding the school. It’s been working pretty well for me, but I am afraid it counts as stealing. Is my moral compass in jeopardy?

Yours very truly,

Snow Bandit

Dear Snow Bandit,

Wow. Stop eating snow. Regardless of the moral quandary, just stop. Please. You don’t know where that snow has been, especially with two dogs running around. It sounds very environmentally friendly and convenient but just stop. Every time you walk down the hall, try to inch a little closer to the water fountain. It might help you get over your phobia.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s turn to your moral quandary. I couldn’t find any legal information about snow ownership online, so I would refer you to someone from the county government- maybe the Director of Law or the Chief Information Officer. As for morality, I find no huge problem with taking the snow. The school was not going to use it, and it was just going to melt anyway. One could make the argument that the snow melting was going to water the grass and that you were robbing the school of an emerald green lawn, but that’s a stretch. Either way, please stop eating snow.



Dear Wally,

I like to listen to a lot of experimental music (my favorite album is the prolonged ringing of a cow bell for 47 minutes). However, I also like to keep up with the latest music so I can have an idea of popular culture. Recently, this has been very difficult for me, as I do not understand the new slang terms used. What does “ratchet” mean? Is it related to a hatchet? Is Kanye talking about ‘cray’-fish? What’s going on??!

Thanks in advance,

Bound to Confusion

Dear Bound to Confusion,

Let me refer you to the internet. Open up a web browser of your choice, type in the word you want to know, and let the World Wide Web do the magic for you. Sorry for the sarcasm, but c’mon. was invented for a reason.

Sarcasm aside, let me just say that in my opinion, you should forget about staying caught up on your pop culture. Blink, and the slang changes. Just enjoy your experimental bells or lutes or whatever weird stuff you like. We always need more cow bell!

Never change,